it's been a week.*

*this should be read as, "good gracious, it has been quite a week," not as, "seven days have passed."

take a second (or a minute) and breathe. we've made it to saturday. tomorrow will be sunday, and those of us in the states will move to a new row on the calendar. if y'all will indulge me, i'm going to wax philosophical for a minute.

the passage of time is a funny thing, and the way my view of it has changed throughout my life is even funnier. when we're kids, we can't wait to grow up (cliche, i know), and when we get there (although i still have a hard time considering myself a grownup), we seem to want it to slow down. i've had less of that desire for a slow-down lately (that's a story for another day), but i get it. but after this week, i'm glad that time, in the immortal words of the great tracy lawrence, marches on. i'm ready for this week to behind me. i'm glad we get to move to a new row on the calendar and that - symbolically, if in no other way - we get to start over. obviously the things that happened last week won't cease to be part of the landscape that makes up my life and who i am, and please believe that i'm not at all saying i'm "over it," but in front of me is a brand new week, and i'm incredibly ... relieved.

monday was the worst day i've had in a really long time, for obvious reasons. tuesday was weirdly okay. even though there had been a huge change, i woke up tuesday, the sun came up, people went to work, i went to class, and time marched on. wednesday was another story entirely. my alarm went off really early because i still had lots to do to prepare for the day that i hadn't done on monday or tuesday. i hit the snooze button until the last possible minute. even at that last possible minute, i thought about emailing my professor to tell her i wouldn't be in class and knocking on my roommate's door to ask him to sub my classes for me so i could stay at home in bed all day being sad.

i thought about shawn telling me not to be an idiot.

i got up and went about my day. it worked. until about 9:45. everything fell apart while i was sitting in class. when it (the class, not my falling apart) ended, i headed to teach. crying my way across campus like a champ, i called my roommate and told him i didn't know how i was going to teach. in true rockstar fashion, without my having to ask, he told me he'd be there in ten minutes to relieve me. i won't bore you all with the details, but the rest of the day was equally non-productive. thursday and friday were equally gloomy, but i managed to do what needed to be done, in what my mother would call true croxton-woman fashion. (she likes to remind me that we're a special breed, and i love to hear about it. more on that another day, too.)

at several points throughout the week, i looked around hating everyone i saw for not being as sad and angry as i was. but more frequently than that, i looked around at my friends and thanked the good Lord that he gave me people who - although they may not share in my grief - check on me and take care of me and provide me love and support and kind words when i can't just jump in the car and drive to my mom's house and snuggle up with her and let her hold me while i sob.

two more days have passed - and quickly - between that last paragraph and this one. and they've given me a bit more perspective. i got to talk to my good friend last night - the one who's dealing with the same thing i'm dealing with, but more acutely. i had just wanted to check in and see if there were any updates, any new information, but what came out of our conversation was so much better. we talked for close to an hour. we covered a lot of ground. but the most beautiful thing to me was that he expressed the things that have been coming to my mind all week that i've been afraid to put to words. the feelings that i've been feeling guilty for having? he's having the same ones. i'll spare you all the journey into my psyche that would bore and disturb you, but i will say this: i'm glad i have a friend with whom i share (at least part of) a brain. knowing that he's on the same page as i am during this turbulence is so beyond reassuring, and he, too, is a part of my heart.

i'll close with this: i'm incredibly grateful for the ways that so many of you have loved me so well through this last week, in big gestures and small - please know that to me, they've all been huge. a big hug from me to all of you.

♡whit